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PubsThe Englishman, Welshman, Scotsman and Irishman's home away from home when he doesn't want to be anywhere near home. Very few communities of any size are without one, and most have several. Unless they have the misfortune to live on land designated in parish law or otherwise to be teetotal. This is normally some local lord in the distant past's decree, or similarly, the old landowner's. Said decree is normally either something to do with labour laws - didn't want workers drunk - or religion. (Goes off into mutterings about Mormons and Methodists. Nothing against them per se, just wish they hadn't owned the area *I* live in.) These people are now dead and it's *still* bloody well enshrined in local law that no drinking establishment may be built within the boundaries. You can normally tell the boundaries of the land by where the nearest pubs are. Oddly, however, this doesn't seem to stop off-licences being built within the boundaries. [Note : Off-licences are places licenced to sell alcohol as long as the patrons drink it *off* the premises.] The mainstay of these establishments is the pint. A measure of liquid, approximately half a litre, served in a pint glass. Pour in beer, lager, cider or a soft drink. Asking for a pint will normally get you a beer. Also available in half-measures, or a half. Beer is also served in bottles, but this is normally such evil stuff as american beer. Or cat's piss. Drinking establishments are normally split into two sorts, pubs and trendy wine bars. The difference is the pubs are more dark woods, more comfy and have more character. Trendy wine bars are heavy on the blonde wood decor, leather chairs, steel furniture, lots of light. Soulless. Also normally don't have fruit machines. Payment You pay at the bar, for each drink as you get it. Bar staff for the most part are not there to act as waitresses. The only time they come out from behind the bar is to deliver food, and collect empty plates and glasses. If you want to run up a tab they take your credit card from you and keep it behind the bar. Food Not all pubs serve food. The ones that don't and are okay with you bringing food in will have a sign up saying so. Otherwise, don't risk it because it's seen as insulting and they don't want to have to clean up your rubbish. On the subject of pubs that have staff specifically to attend to food matters, these do not take orders and you still pay at the bar. Some pubs are more restaurant than bar, and so have waitresses that will take orders, but you will be able to tell. If you're not sure, ask. *All* pubs sell peanuts and crisps and nearly all sell pork crackling (Roast dried pig skin. Shut up, bloody gorgeous it is - think it's known as pork rinds in the US.) and scampi-flavoured things. The range of crisp flavours varies and depends on the pub. Peanuts are not found in bowls on the bar, they are found in bags pinned to a piece of cardboard with a semi-clothed young woman pictured on it. Part of the selling point of this is to encourage customers to buy more peanuts to try and uncover the picture. However, this will never happen in a month of sundays, in case you're tempted to attempt to buy enough peanuts to uncover a nipple. Also, said peanuts must be two months out of date in accordance with universal law. Also popular (and fairly recent) are little Minstrel machines. (think massive m & m's with Galaxy chocolate in) Stick coin in slot, turn knob, get a few loose Minstrels. The type, range and quality of food available varies immensely. It ranges from the tiny selection of slightly dead ham or cheese sandwiches with a garnish of exceedingly dead salad, with bread made from cotton wool or sawdust, to food sent from the gods in heaven. Normally you can depend on getting sandwiches at lunchtime, curry, lasagne, garlic bread, soup, chips and possibly steak. Also, sometimes dessert is available. Food is ordered at the bar from menus available either on the bar or the tables, though several just have it chalked up on the board near the bar. Also where specials are found. Names [inspired by Bill Bryson's slightly confused writings on the subject] Pubs in Britain have names. These normally relate to historical events, local allegiances, sayings, happenings, who drank there, and local figures of prominence. Some make absolutely no sense unless you know the history. Worry not, don't question it, and come to understand that naming a pub after the landlord is no way to name a pub. Besides, the pub will almost certainly outlast the landlord. The oldest pub is one in one of the caves in Nottingham. They've had names since at least Roman times, but most of them got names in the Middle Ages when it was easier to stick up a pictorial sign to tell illiterate travellers that the building was an inn, and then a law was handed out by Richard II that all pubs had to have names and thus signs. And if you think about it, it's a lot easier to make out a picture than it is to read a name when you're stumbling down the street of a night, pissed out of your tree. Pub names come from a variety of categories - religious, sayings, coats of arms, and so on. Some are purposely nonensical, like the Rat and Parrot. Some listed below, occasionally with explanations. Religious Cross Keys - St Peter - v. popular, occasionally seen with an old bald bloke on the sign Coats of arms/Allegiance to local lord/local symbol White Hart - Richard II - most popular pub name in Britain If it's an animal, often oddly coloured, you can normally count on it being some sort of heraldic thing. Plus it's easy to paint onto a sign. Sports/local profession (basically, who drank in there) Cricketers Entertainment This happens when they have licences for entertainment. Cue band setting up in corner of pub designated for such matters. A lot of pubs never have bands, others have the occasional one, and some have regularly scheduled acts. Often there will be karaoke. This is supplied by people who travel around the local pubs with a van full of karaoke equipment. Stone these people if you happen to see them. Pub quizzes are also highly popular. The normal recourse is to get into the pub, everyone splits up into teams with silly names, pay their fee (normally £1 per person) and answer general knowledge questions on the sheet of paper handed out. The barmaid has control of the microphone. Prizes vary, though often it's the collected takings from the entry money. It is possible in most pubs to hire games from behind the bar. This covers darts, cards, dominoes, giant Jenga and several others. Pool and snooker tables are common, as is table football, though the table football and Jenga is normally found mostly in student-ish pubs. Odds and Ends The Jukebox - varies due to pub, nearly always a healthy amount of cheese. And U2. Not all pubs have them, though most have background music. That they turn up later in the evening to make sure you can't talk and thus drink more alcohol. The Fruit Machine - Slot machines, basically, and you normally find at least one per pub with its evil little flashing lights and silly noises. Normally chained to the wall. Variations are the question machines, with a Trivial Pursuit-ish bent. Example being Who Wants to be a Millionaire. Fruit machines earn serious amounts of money for the pub. Landlord/lady - head honcho of the pub, fully within rights of the law to throw you out if they don't like your face. Not necessarily the owner, but they're the people with their names on the tiny black sign with white lettering above the door. 'This licences J. Smith to sell alcohol on the premises' etc. Names for the bar staff - bartender, barkeep, barmaid, pint puller, server. Serving wench you can use if you really don't want to keep your balls. Free House - Pub not owned by a brewer, able to stock whatever beer it likes. CAMRA - Campaign for Real Ale. Organisation devoted to non mass-produced beer, basically beer that has taste to it. Will sometimes see a sign that says 'CAMRA approved'. These pubs often have a fairly studentish or beardy clientele. Also run festivals. Pub/beer garden - the bit out back with tables. Sometimes paved over, sometimes grassy with hedges, trees and flowers. If it's a family pub, it often has things for kids to play on, like slides and jungle gyms. Children - a lot of pubs only allow 18 and above. The ones that do allow kids (often country pubs) often have separate family rooms. Some only allow kids in the garden. Underage drinking - frowned upon, can lose the pub its licence. However, every town has at least one pub where you find underage drinkers, which will normally have its back doors unlocked in case of raids. Everyone who's grown up in that town knows exactly which one it is, and tend to deem it tacky to go in there once you hit 18. As an extension of this, a lot of pubs have a sign up that says that if you look under 21, you'll be forced to produce ID. Dunno how much it's enforced. Any section of seats enclosed by walls or similar is a booth. Not a stall. Stalls are what you find in stables, changing rooms, and public toilets. Not eating and drinking places. More than one group in a booth is permissible, since they can range from 2-4 person with table and fixed seating like a diner to an entire mostly-enclosed section with fixed couches round the outside and as many small tables and stools as you can fit into it. However, we do reserve the right to force you out by means of glaring and obnoxious behaviour. Or absorbing your significant other into our group to leave you to storm out of there in a huff because he found our argument about the merits of Back to the Future's DeLorean vs. Dr Who's Tardis pissed more interesting than snogging you... Chain pubs These've sprang up in the last few years, normally slightly themed depending on the type of clientele they hope to attract. They normally have a habit of taking over an existing pub or another building and converting it. Conversions normally keep the name of the original building. (A joke from recent adverts is 'my bank is now a trendy wine bar'). They mostly inhabit the bigger towns, it being rare to find chains in more out of the way places. Common chains : Wetherspoons - big on food, with decor that attempts to evoke an air of local history One thing. A chain pub is different from a pub owned by a brewers. Most pubs are owned by the brewers, which means they mostly stock beer supplied by the brewer, normally with a sign outside to designate which one owns it and the licence. Following brewers that own pubs : Courage - Red cockerel Theme pubs Tack-o-rama. Seriously. However, can often be fun and very popular. Most common are Irish and Australian, though you do get some that try to go down the ye olde route though they're only two years old. The ye olde cannot be faked and it's sad to see them try. Irish ones are generally characterised by constant playing of the Corrs, the Pogues, U2 and so on, general Oirish decor and Guinness. Australian normally has at least one Aussie or New Zealander behind the bar and generally has a lot of tv screens tuned to either Sky Sport or the Extreme Sports channel. Culture whatsits. Pubs have character. And personalities. So much personality that if the landlord/lady doesn't fit the pub, they don't last too long. Personality is a complex thing derived from decor, history, clientele (the regulars) and atmosphere, bloody difficult to explain but always identifiably there. Some are family-type, some are depressing, some are fucking scary, some relaxed, some slightly yuppified. There's also the factor that ties into personality. Some pubs you can step into, have one drink, and decide to get out as soon as possible. This also ties into a degree of tribalism and what in the marketing profession would be called brand loyalty. It's very common to have two pubs side by side that're seemingly identical in terms of clientele, atmosphere, decor and selection of beer, yet the regulars of one won't have ever set foot in the other, and it'd be a betrayal and travesty to do so. Oh, and if a pub has grilles over the window and regularly has one window boarded up? Don't go in there. This also goes for pubs down the docks with many burly men hanging around outside. |