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Kings and Queens - the Spotter's Guide
No, really. If you want detail, find an encyclopaedia, look up the BBC, take some history lessons or go find David Starkey. The most you're getting here is a couple of lines about each one that is the result of several years of history education on the average person in the street. I'm starting with 1066 because that's how we're taught.
First : Shakespeare? Often writing propaganda when it came to kings. Macbeth? decent king, ruled for years. Duncan was in fact in his twenties. Richard III? Does the fact that the queen's grandfather ousted this king make you think 'hatchet job'?
Also, there is a small but important point about monarchy I should make. Ignore any fanciful ideas you may have learnt from storybooks and Tolkein. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A RIGHTFUL HEIR. Well, not unless your parents are in power at the time. Then you can be a rightful heir. If your great-great grandfather got booted off the throne, the only way you have a claim to it is if you have the political and military support to oust the person on the throne. It took the Stuarts a while to learn this. The Godwinsons learnt it very, very quickly. If you get picked after everyone else in line has died, this is because the nobles want a quiet life and think you can be easily controlled. (admittedly post Charles I, we have always been able to hold a certain proviso over our monarchs of what happens if you piss us off) Pig-farmers and rangers need not apply. Monarchy has a very simple tenet : Might makes right. See Henry VII for a lesson in how to get the throne whilst having practically no blood connection to the incumbents.
1066 for beginners : Harold spent most of it fighting off an invasion in the north from Harald Hardrada and brothers. Invasion to the south, Harold rushed down there. Fought somewhere down the road from Hastings. Was beating the Normans, troops got a bit over-confident and rushed down the hill. Whoops. Harold hacked to pieces to the extent that the only way they managed to ID his torso was the tattoo. Please ignore the bloke with the arrow in his eye on the Bayeux tapestry under 'Harold is dead', you'll notice the bloke falling and being *killed* is actually being cut down by an axe. Duke William the Bastard (no, really, this is his nickname due to being born on the wrong side of the blankets) goes 'happy skippy' and gets crowned in London on Christmas Day.
William I.
Duke William, William the Bastard, William the Conqueror : | Conquers England. Builds Tower of London, v.1.0. Builds a castle up in Northumbria. In a stunningly original move, this is called the 'New Castle'. Gives lots of land to cronies. Beats down natives. Further beats down natives by getting the entire country's possessions and holdings counted down to the last pig (no, *really* down to the last pig. I'm serious.), puts said tax info in the Domesday Book. (pronounced Doomsday, so called because it'd last til Doomsday. Britons have had an aversion to this thorough a census ever since.) Commissions Bayeux Tapestry for easy reading of his version of events. |
William II.
William Rufus : | his son. Generally a brutal tosser, nickname 'Rufus' apparently due to his complexion. Gay. Killed in a rather well-planned 'hunting accident'. Well, the arrow *was* in his back, I'm sure they mistook him for a deer. |
| Henry I : | astute hard bastard (please note that 'hard bastard' is actually a term of grudging respect in the UK). Good at admin. Married a saxon. |
| Stephen : | Henry's nephew, nicked the throne from Henry's daughter Mathilda. Apparently very pretty and very stupid. Biiig civil war stuff, Mathilda's son gets throne when he died. |
Henry II.
Henry Plantaganet : | Responsible for saying 'who will rid me of this troublesome priest' in the earshot of some rather drunken knights. Thomas a Becket suddenly very dead in Canterbury cathedral. Married to very, very scary woman. |
Richard I
Lionheart : | Didn't like England. Went on Crusades. Gay. Bled the country dry in taxes for the Crusades or his ransom, depending on the period of his reign. |
| John : | ...we rather like John, in a grudging sort of way. He stayed. And we got him to sign the Magna Carta by force of bullying. Human rights, yay! |
| Between these two we get the most popular time period for Robin Hood. Normally it's last years of Richard's reign crossing into John's. And really? Normans vs Saxons kind of not an issue by this point. More like 'rich vs. poor and no we don't like the money-grubbing bishops'. No, really don't get me started on Robin Hood unless you want a fangirl squee/rant against Hollywood that lasts hours. |
| Henry III : | Um. Does anyone know anything about this one? His wife died and he built a lot of churches. |
Edward I.
Hammer of the Scots, Longshanks : | Hammer of the Scots. And the Welsh. And pretty much everyone. |
| Ignore *everything* Braveheart says. No, really. There isn't a single historically accurate fact in that thing. Well, except the torture scene, and now we've had Passion of the Christ, we now know far more about Mel Gibson's fixations than we ever wanted to. |
| Edward II : | Gay. Murdered by his wife's boyfriend by the means of a red hot poker up his arse in some castle that wasn't his. (no, really, what more do you need to know about a monarch?) |
| Edward III : | Fought the French. Father of the Black Prince. Who was bloody scary in battle. Other son, John of Gaunt. |
| Richard II : | Got on the throne as a kid - son of the Black Prince. Fell asleep during his coronation. Got deposed as an adult. |
| War of the Roses : | John of Gaunt couldn't keep his John Thomas in his trousers, loads of heirs with equal claims to the throne, none got a seal of approval, so whoever had the most power tended to rule. |
| Henry IV : | er. um. there were possibly some wars? Hundred Years' War? |
| Henry V : | And lo and behold, Agincourt! Battle-nuts. Had the nickname Hotspur pre-throne. Conquered large bits of France, married a French Princess, died a couple of years later. |
| Henry VI : | Um. War of the Roses, deposed by a Yorkist? Lost quite a bit of France. |
| Edward IV : | Married Elizabeth Woodville. Father of the Princes in the Tower. Had a good life. The wife? *Not* popular. |
| Richard III : | er.... you know the plot of the shakespeare play, right? Um. anyway. The princes? Technically illegitimate according to the rules of the day (an engagement was broken, which at the time was considered as legally binding as a marriage). Taking power (he was regent as it was, so king in all but name) was a fairly sensible tactic due it being a slightly... turbulent time. Not a hunchback. But apparently very, very well muscled on one side due to being an amazing swordsman. No, he didn't coerce his wife into marrying him. |
Henry VII.
Henry Tudor, Richmond : | very little blood claim to the throne, married Elizabeth of York to strengthen his claim. (well, that and all the support of the nobles and there not being that many of them left at the time of the age of majority) Built up the finances, good at admin and law, suppressed several pretenders, apparently hard as nails and left a very rich and peaceful legacy behind. |
| Henry VIII : | Wives. Six of 'em. Founded the Church of England to get a divorce. Three legitimate kids that survived, a few illegitimate ones. (not exactly news when it comes to the British Monarchy) Apparently died of a syphilitic heart condition. |
| Edward VI : | Mostly ruled by regents, very Protestant, died of TB. (TB : tuberculosis or consumption. In cowboy movie parlance, a lunger.) |
Lady Jane Grey,
'The Nine Day Queen' : | her father in law attempted to get her crowned to make sure Mary didn't get on the throne. Mary was not pleased. (Tudors were strong-minded people). Mary storm London with supporters. Mary execute Jane and hubby. Whoops. |
Mary I.
Bloody Mary : | Catholic, hated her sister, married the King of Spain, tried to re-establish Catholicism and burned a few hundred Protestants at the stake for being heretics. Those castles get very cold, honest. |
Elizabeth I.
Gloriana, The Virgin Queen : | Virgin = never married, but not for want of trying until she chucked it in. Didn't help that her favourite, Robert Dudley, was already married. Virginia's named after her. Left a rather rich kingdom behind. Had one of the biggest spy networks ever. |
| James I and VI : | Son of Mary Queen of Scots. Ridiculously intelligent. Commissioned the King James Bible. Target of the Gunpowder Plot. Couldn't keep it in his pants to save his life, around either sex. |
| Charles I : | Can we say *whoops*? Not the first king to be killed, or to have wars of accession going on, not the first to have major arguments with the nobles/Parliament. Pissed off Parliament so much with several bad decisions they started the Civil War. Cavaliers were Royalists, Roundheads were Parliamentarians, Roundheads won due to having a better army. Charles got defeated, several escape attempts, got caught trying to foment rebellion against Parliament, thus pissed them off more and they voted to have him tried and executed. |
| The Commonwealth (no kings) : | Cromwell ruled as Lord Protector. Seriously. That's about all we generally know about it, beyond Cromwell refusing the actual crown. Allowed the Jews back in. Stamped on the Irish and Scots a bit. Oh, and no Christmas or theatre since Cromwell was a Puritan. After Cromwell died, they invited Charles' son back as monarch. |
| Charles II : | Known for being a bloody good sport, laugh, art/theatre lover, and having a host of mistresses, most famous being Nell Gwynne. Oh, and Habeas Corpus was enacted during his reign. |
| Plague : | Lots of people die. Buboes. Burns itself out (as plagues tend to) round about the time some twit in a bakery on Pudding Lane set the bakery on fire, and it caught the thatch of the buildings around it and proceeded to set the City of London on fire. Please to note that it didn't really spread much further than the main city, which didn't even cover the current Zone 1 at the time. |
| James II : | Tried to re-introduce Catholicism. It didn't work. Got booted off the throne by his daughters and parliament. |
...After this it kind of blurs into a mass of Germans, Georges, losing America, Regencies, Napoleon, Victoria, Parliament and political parties, and people being forced to abdicate because they had ever-so-slight fascist tendencies at a time when housepainters with small moustaches were looking at Poland and going 'hmm'. (the American divorcee was an excuse, people.) If anyone wants to write this for me, feel free, I tend to get lost. And very bored.
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